When the Person Bullying Someone Is Your Friend

Lesson 3 of Four Lessons from Ryan’s Story

By John Halligan

In my last post, I shared a message I want every student to hear: You are loved beyond belief. Please ask for help.

The third lesson I leave with students asks them to think about another situation. What do you do when the person hurting someone else is your friend?

It can be uncomfortable even to admit that a friend is bullying someone. You know another side of that person. You enjoy spending time together. You may worry that speaking up will cost you the friendship.

But that friendship is also why your voice can carry so much weight.

Think about the audience

When I talk with students about the bullying Ryan experienced, I ask them to think beyond the person saying or doing something hurtful. Think about the friends nearby. Think about the people laughing, joining in, or passing something along.

Bullying can get encouragement from an audience. A laugh tells someone that other people find it funny. Sharing a cruel message gives it another audience. Even someone who feels uncomfortable can get caught up in going along with the group.

I remember being that age. What my friends thought mattered a great deal to me.

That is why I ask students to consider the influence they have with one another. If a friend’s reaction can encourage hurtful behavior, an honest response from that same friend can help challenge it. Peer pressure can work in a positive direction.

Find a private moment

I do not ask students to embarrass a friend in front of everyone. I ask them to find a private moment and explain how they feel.

Let your friend know that seeing someone treated that way makes you uncomfortable. Be specific about the behavior. Ask them to stop.

Here is one way a student could begin:

I want to talk to you about what happened today. It made me uncomfortable when you made fun of them. I don’t think it was funny, and I wish you would stop.

You do not need a perfect speech. Use your own words. The point is to be honest with someone who knows you and may listen to you differently than they would listen to an adult.

If saying it face to face feels too difficult, a text can start the conversation. Keep it private and respectful. The goal is to get your friend to think about what they are doing and change it.

You can ask for help too

I know this takes courage. I also know a student may be afraid that a friend will turn on them.

Take that concern seriously. You should never have to put yourself in danger to prove that you care about someone. If you are worried about retaliation, if there are threats, or if you do not feel safe approaching your friend, talk with a trusted adult first.

A parent, teacher, school counselor, or another responsible adult can help you decide what to do. You do not have to try a private conversation before asking for help.

If you do speak with your friend and the bullying continues, involve an adult. Students have influence, but adults have a responsibility to respond and help keep students safe.

You can also check in with the person being hurt. Invite them to sit with you. Ask how they are doing. Offer to go with them to speak with an adult. They should not have to earn kindness or solve the bullying themselves.

Keep the conversation going at home and at school

For parents and educators, I hope this lesson leads to more than telling students to “speak up.”

Help them practice what they could say. Ask what might make that conversation difficult. Give them time to answer honestly, especially if they are afraid of losing friends or becoming a target themselves.

Make sure they know which adults they can turn to and how to reach them. When a student brings a concern to you, listen carefully, take it seriously, and follow up. A young person needs to know that asking for help will lead to support.

We can also help students understand that caring about a friend includes being honest when that friend is hurting someone.

That is the challenge I leave with students in this third lesson. Pay attention to the encouragement you give. Do not add to someone else’s humiliation. When it is safe, use the influence you have with a friend to ask them to stop.

You may not be able to control your friend’s response. You can choose your own response, and you can ask an adult to stand beside you.

Please do not underestimate the importance of your voice.

John Halligan, father of Ryan Halligan

For school materials, visit School Documents.